Better You Should Clip Your Nails

                I saw Wonder Woman 1984 the day after Christmas.  While I certainly would not have been afraid of going to an actual movie theater to see it, I actually watched it on HBOMax on someone else’s dime.

                Boy howdy, am I glad I did so.  No, I’m not glad I viewed it.  No, I’m glad because I didn’t waste  any money on a ticket (along with the obligatory popcorn and soda).  I didn’t have any turkey for Christmas this year.  Or so I thought.

                Let’s put it this way, Wonder Woman 1984 makes Green Lantern look like Gone With the Wind.

                And that’s saying a lot.

                Where do I begin?  While the following are my impressions on this “film,” I’ve read similar complaints.  So, either a whole bunch of us are crankypants lunatics or there’s something to our crankiness.

                The beginning starts off with an Olympic-style (Olympics because…oh figure it out yourselves) competition between a group of Amazons.  And a ten-year-old Diana Prince.  Why was she the only child?  I don’t know.  Maybe because she’s a superhero?  Or the daughter of the HAIC (Head Amazon In Charge)?  Or maybe because…oh, shut up, you misogynist hater.

                This overly long “oh-my-God kill me contest” starts with the ladies (yes, I didn’t fail to notice the tight costumes.  Sue me.  Except on the ten-year-old.  Ewww.) jumping off telephone poles then proceeds to jumping in the water, swimming to shore, leaping on horses, shooting arrows through hula hoops, and dashing about like an estrogen Chinese fire drill.

                Just when some people thought Diana would win, it turns out that she cheated (she should work for Joe Biden).  So, the lesson here is…uh…you have to earn what you get.  Nothing is just given to you.  I think it has something to do that getting your wish without working can turn out horribly.  I think.

                Fairly pointless lead in, if you ask me.  The thing is?  It was the best part of the movie. 
                Anyway, we next jump to 1984.  Why?  Well, believe me, this “film” needs a gimmick.  Too bad that, apart from very few instances, the 80s really don’t much factor into this besides workout clothes, fanny packs, and desktops.  Waste of a decade, if you ask me.     That honor more properly belongs to the 70s, to be honest.

                Wonder Woman busts up a jewelry store robbery in plain sight of dozens of people (hmm…but I thought she told Bruce Wayne/Batman in Batman v Superman that she just laid low after WWI…really coulda used her against Hitler.  That bitch).

                Well, one of the items recaptured in the robbery is a crystal thing (called a “Dildo Stone” in the Critical Drinker’s review of the movie.  Look it up on You Tube.  Pretty damn funny).  It grants wishes to whoever…uh…wishes something.  One of Diana’s coworkers , Barbara, wishes she could be more like Diana.  More on that later.

                We learn later (mucccccchhhhhhh later) that it was created by a “Trickster god.”  One would naturally think Loki, but we can’t mention Loki because Loki is a Marvel property (fuck Norse mythology).  DON’T MIX UP YOUR EXTENDED UNIVERSES!!!  Nerd.

                Because she has an itch which needs scratching, Diana wishes that she could see Steve Trevor again, the man she loved who blew himself to bits in Wonder Woman (a much better movie, one that I enjoyed).  And who bombed in Star Trek:  Beyond (but that’s another story).

                Well, before you can say “What the f…”, Steve pops up in the body of some schmuck who apparently was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The simian-like writers could have had Steve magically appear without resorting to a body-snatcher like plot device.  Why not?  Suspension of belief and common sense had long since left the room by that time.  But, hey, who cares if we just take over the body of a man without his consent?  Especially since he’s a man.

                Enter the villain, Max Lord.  Some people said he was modeled on Donald Trump, but I didn’t see it.  If nothing else, the fact that he evolves into a more sympathetic character at the end convinces me that no way the director/aforementioned simians would have done that.  Unless they were idiots.  Oh.  Wait.

                Max wishes for business success and all the power available to him.  Only he begins to exhibit physical failings (one of the drawbacks to getting your wish is that you lose something of yourself.  Whatever).

                Speaking of losing something, Diana realizes she’s losing her powers now that she gets to boink Steve Trevor while in the body of another man.  Without his permission (NOTE:  okay, time to be a pig, but not for nothin’ I gotta think the possessed dude would’ve been okay with bedding Gal Gadot.  Just saying.).

                This means that WW realizes she must renounce her boytoy in order to confront Max and Cheetah (back to Barbara, who all of a sudden becomes this super-sexy badass who will eventually assume a ludicrous CGI cheetah look.  Uhhhhh…..).

                Before that…Diana and Steve decide to steal a fully-fueled and otherwise ready to go jet aircraft from the Smithsonian Institution so they can catch Max in Egypt.  They do so because Steve flew biplanes in World War I.  Naturally, he can handle a supersonic fighter.

                My son asked me if that could actually happen.  I told him no.  No, it couldn’t.

                As they are being targeted for capture, Diana all of a sudden remembers that she has this power to make things invisible.  Voila!  Invisible jet.  Yes, I know an invisible jet was in the comics, but WTF?

                After the invisible jet is cleared to land in Cairo (at the very least, a flight plan wasn’t filed), Diana and Steve miraculously find Max on a road and yay ACTION!  Ludicrous action, but action.  Which bored me.  So maybe not so “yay.”

                Well, Max gets away so Diana uses a pay phone on an Egyptian street to call the United States!  Not for the first time, I throw the bullshit flag.  I was overseas…in Egypt among other places…and NO WAY could this have happened.

                Following the phone call with some Mayan type of researcher back in DC, off they wing it back home.
                NOTE:  Apparently, the apes who wrote this thing subscribe to the same “Time/Space/Distance” theory that their fellow chimpanzees adhered to in Game of Thrones, Season 8.  By the way, if you haven’t seen GOT, Season 8, good for you.    

                 Blah, blah, blah, ridiculous fight scene in the White House where things happen that no way could have happened even if the President was a doddering old numbskull (this really could have taken place in 2021).  Barbara, now Cheetah (I think) kicks the crap out of Wonder Woman (because naturally) and Max steals a helicopter to go to some secret Army/Air Force (who cares?) base so he could speak to the entire world (because that’s a thing).  Cheetah (of course) hitches a ride and off they go.

                Immediately following this dustup, Wonder Woman wishes Steve away and off he goes leaving the body he had inhabited the past few days wondering, “How the fuck did I get here?  Whew!  I knew I should’ve stopped drinking when I…and why is my penis sore?”

                With Steve gone, Wonder Woman’s powers come flooding back (proving you don’t need men, ladies) and she takes off via latching onto clouds, an airliner (I think), and lightning bolts with her lasso (didn’t know that was possible).  Then, just when you thought you had seen everything, she starts flying (yeah, woulda come in mighty handy in Justice League).

                She grabs a suit of armor that she had just laying around her apartment (it was probably an 80s thing) and off she goes to find Max (how she knew exactly where he was is never explained).  When she arrives at the base (no invisible jet, she just flew I suppose), she fights the now CGI buff Cheetah in the most idiotic looking fight sequence I’ve seen since…well…ever.

                Luckily for the fans of WW, she defeats Cheetah when a power line conveniently  drops into the water in which they’re fighting.  Cheetah is electrocuted, but doesn’t die (because I guess that’s a thing, too) and Diana remains unscathed (hooray, plot armor!).

                Wonder Woman barges into the studio where Max is speaking to the entire world.  In English.  To the entire world.  Alrighty then.  She tries to overcome this madman, but is rebuffed by…wind (might I remind the reader that this is the same woman who took a head butt…from Superman).

                Oh no, if she can’t do this, the world will end (much like the Georgia Senate races)!

                Eventually, though, through the power of persuasion (and boobs probably) she convinces the world to renounce all their wishes (NOTE:  I gotta tell you, if I had a million dollars drop in my lap, I’d have to give that a hard no, apocalypse notwithstanding).

                Voila!  Max becomes becomes good, Barbara becomes good, the world didn’t end, and Steve Trevor stayed dead.  Probably a mixed bag, I’d guess.

                Basically, this movie is pretty much a retelling of the classic story, Monkey’s Paw.  Except this one was written by actual monkeys.

                On the whole, I’d rather clip my toenails than put myself through this thing again.  There were bright spots, true.  Even though kind of wasted, Chris Pine and Pedro Pascal put in pretty decent performances (by the way, Pedro Pascal played a character in Game of Thrones, even though his character was kinda wasted there, too.  Coincidence?

                And the ending credits scene was pretty cool in a Marvel kind of way.

                Special effects?  Even when they were CGI, the special effects looked like they belonged in 1984.  On Saturday morning cartoons. 

                The editing process made no sense and had the viewers jump from here to there, with no explanation or lead-up given.

                Plus, does anyone buy Kristen Wiig as a sexpot?  Hahahaha.  Sure, she’s no “Throw Momma From the Train” woman or Hillary Clinton, but as an evil yin to Gal Gadot’s yang?  I repeat…hahahahaha.

                Overall, I’d rate Wonder Woman 1984 as a pile of hot garbage.  I’d rate it as just ‘garbage,’ but the leading role was played by Gal Gadot.

                And that woman is hot! 

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