Well, not a lot more. But, more.
I love going to Target, even though they’ve prostrated themselves to the Social Justice gods and allow all manner of freaks to use whichever bathroom they choose. Plus, that dog with the red bullseye kinda creeps me out. Not as much as that pedophilic Burger King, but still…
Sort of like an upscale Walmart (which itself is a “Discount Target”), it offers a vast array of quality products at bargain prices. Unlike Walmart, though, it’s remarkably mullet-free and you don’t have near the same chance of blundering into a stray cloud of some indeterminate gas. Plus, most customers actually have a full set of teeth. And pants.
NOTE: One of the benefits of this mask hysteria is that, at both Walmart and Target, the ugly people now have their faces covered by face diapers. To me, not a completely bad thing. Remember that the next time you see that hot girl in the banana section. She may be buck-toothed.
Whether the latest in books, video equipment, sporting goods, Gorilla Glue, or household appliances, Target has most of what I need. It’s my number one destination when I can’t afford to go anywhere remotely interesting. What’s more, four weeks before Valentines Day, they’re already selling Easter cards.
Plus, as I discovered this week after wandering past the frozen foods section in search of fat-free Tostinos with extra cheese (HINT: there aren’t any), I noticed they also offer a generous assortment of toilet paper.
NOTE: I originally wrote in “huge,” but went with “generous.” Mostly because of the whackos who cleaned the shelves out last year at the beginning of the Chinese Flu. At any rate, the selection is still bigger than you’d find in Europe, South America, or San Francisco.
Wedged between a disturbingly diverse selection of adult diapers (Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton must be customers) and a paper plate display large enough for a typical Mormon family, Target’s wall of bathroom tissue (a euphemism if there ever was one) was most impressive.
It contained more paper than the Library of Congress. If the books in the Library of Congress were written on little sheets of paper which dissolved in water.
Speaking off…I usually take perverse pleasure in moving any book by the Obamas, Hillary, or Idiot Joe to the bathroom tissue aisle. But, I digress…
In addition, there was a dizzying variety from several manufacturers. This puzzled me. After all, I would think the basic design wouldn’t change all that much from paper to paper. Then again, I never received a business degree.
One of our most basic needs, toilet paper has been around for centuries. Or at least since I was born. Frankly, I couldn’t care less what people used before 1958. Or before I was potty-trained, if we’re being honest.
They could have used slow moving midgets, for all I cared.
Still, imagine what life was like before its invention:
“Zook, me need drop big load. Bring bush over here. And give something read. Like painting on rock.”
NOTE: For Entertainment Use only. Cavemen clearly did not speak English.
Even when folks came out of their mud huts to build the pyramids (my history may be sketchy on this point), all they had to use when they wanted to take care of “business” was the available leaf, corn cob, or serf. Not a lot of fun. Especially for the serf.
It was only when the last page of the last Sears catalog was used did it occur to someone not named Edison to take the same material we used to blow our nose a little further south.
I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not opposable thumbs, Twitter, or televisions above urinals which sets us apart from the beasts of nature. Or Antifa.
It’s potty paper.
Incidentally, I know what bears do in the woods. I don’t care how cute and cuddly they are, they most certainly do not use anything on a roll when they do it.
HINT: They shit. You’re welcome.
So why do we hawk toilet tissue using spectacle-wearing bears walking around with bits of paper clinging to their shaggy behinds? Babies I can buy despite the fact all they’ll do is eat the paper. But, c’mon, a bear would prefer to use a slow camper than two-ply unscented.
While we’re at it, I also saw pictures of puppies adorning a few of the packages. Now, I’ve owned several dogs throughout my life. Not once did I hear them complain that nobody changed the roll or “who took the newspaper!?”
As I further pondered Target’s collection, I noticed a confusing assortment from which to choose. Specifically, Charmin’ offers “Ultra-Soft” and “Ultra-Strong.”
You tell me, which would you prefer? “Ultra-Soft” so you don’t scrape hard enough to expose colon? Or “Ultra-Strong” so you don’t run the risk of giving yourself a prostate exam? I don’t know about you, but I would think Charmin’ could easily combine the two. As long as it’s perfumed.
Which is something that corn cobs, midgets, or those fancy-pants serfs with their Bubonic Plague never were.
Epilogue: In case you were wondering, our toilet paper is American made. No sense of running the risk of rubbing some COVID up our bums. Plus, apparently, there’s still some national pride left.
USA! USA! USA!