Hecho En Vietnam

They’re a bit wrinkled. Should probably fix that. Yeah, that’s not happening.

     NOTE: The following has very little to do with Vietnam.  As you read further, you’ll see what I mean.  In fact, I know very little about Vietnam, apart from where it is and that a fat Marlon Brando once waddled around its jungles while a thin Martin Sheen went mental there.  I did coach a soccer team with a man from Vietnam once, though.  He was a real nice guy who had mad soccer skills, even though I questioned his penchant for using punji sticks during defensive drills.  What’s more, I had a devil of a time understanding him (although, to be fair, if I tried to order lunch in Ho Chi Minh City, I’d probably get a rectal exam.  Unless that’s part of their culture.  Who am I to judge?).  Anyway…

“The horror.”

     As you’ve no doubt surmised (snooty word for “figgered out”), I often look at things in a, shall we say, wiseguy kind of way.

     If I see something which strikes me as funny, I’m of course going to make things worse by pointing it out or even correcting what I think was a slip of the tongue, grammatically speaking (medically speaking is a whole ‘nother ball of wax).

     That being the case, though, I have cut down on pointing out the verbal and spelling gaffes of others, even though I thought I was being cute by doing so.  I came to the conclusion that I was being somewhat of a douche.

     However, I still notice the odd bits of life.  So, if you throw me a softball that I just can’t help putting over the fence in a double entendre kind of way (especially in a double entendre kind of way), I probably won’t be able to help myself.  It’s a sickness.

See? Like this. I can’t resist this kind of stuff.
Like I said. It’s a sickness.

     So it was this morning with my underwear (no, NOT by what was in it.  Although…).  As I was getting ready to start my strenuous day of lounging about, I read the care label on my skivvies (boxer briefs, in case you dig knowing that sort of thing).

     Hey, I left my cell phone in my room.

     I saw that they were “Hecho En Vietnam.” (Language Tip: This means, “Made in Vietnam” for those who took “History of Flan” in high school instead of language classes or who are too cheap to buy Rosetta and the Family Stone lessons).

     It caused me to wonder.  Is underwear-making such a complicated science that it needs to be shipped overseas?  Or is it so damn simple that the Vietnamese can handle it?  It’s obviously a money thing, but for cryin’ out loud, it’s only a cloth pouch for the boys, not sex robots.

     As I looked at it further (I was still busy doing bidness, if you know what I mean), I saw that, under the English writing, were washing and care instructions in Spanish.

     Why not Vietnamese?  Or do the Vietnamese not wear underwear?  Or, as I suspect, are the Vietnamese so smart they don’t need to be told how to wash their frikkin’ drawers?  I don’t know, maybe a combination of the two.  Going “commando” can be liberating, after all.

And why Spanish? Do people assume that Hispanics need to have that kind of information while white people don’t?

     I further noticed the following (in English and Spanish): “Cool iron if needed.”

     Excuse me, who the hell irons their underwear!!??

     I didn’t even press my tighty-whiteys in boot camp.  And they made us shave our chest hairs. 

     On further deliberation, I guess maybe you’d want starchy drawers if you were visiting Michael Jackson’s gravesite (oooh, sorry.  Too soon?).  Plus, what if you got into an accident?

     “It’s hard to tell what caused this horrific accident, Sarge.”
     “Any evidence of speeding?”
     “Not that I can see.”
     “Drinking?”
     “No, but his skivvies were wrinkled.”
     “Well, there’s your answer!”

     So, maybe I oughta plug my iron in because there’s no sense in having creases in my “gotchies.”

     But, first, I think I’ll give that guy from the soccer team a call.  Maybe he can give me some advice.

Foto Funnies XXVIII

“The CDC, after discussions with Dr. Fauci, has recommended new mitigation efforts against Coronavirus variants. Just doing my part, ya know.”

Are You Woke Enough?

“I’m old, I’m white, I’m woke. In fact, I just got up from my nap. COME ON MAN! If that isn’t woke, I don’t know what is!”

                Seriously. Are you? Bigot.

                Being “woke,” for those who do not know (I was blissfully ignorant of its present meaning for most of my life) was used to describe  literally not falling asleep or as slang for one’s suspicions of being cheated on by a romantic partner.  Surprisingly (once again, to me), it morphed into being used solely in the former sense.  Although, instead of describing narcoleptic misadventures, we were urged to be “woke” to social and racial injustice, especially in the wake of the Michael “Gentle Giant” Brown fiasco.

                It’s much more detailed than that, although not by a whole lot.  I won’t bore you with the excruciatingly long transformation to its present-day idiocy, though.  You’re welcome. 

                Let’s just put it this way.  If someone is sincerely urging you to be “woke,” they are a moron.

                Sadly, for far too many people, “wokeness” has supplanted common sense, logic, and critical thinking in our society.

                The Woke:

                1.  We must all wear masks (nay, two) so that we can get control of the Chinese Virus!

                Common Sense:

                A virus is going to do what a virus is going to do.  What is the end game?  Two weeks?  Two months?  Two years?  Forever?  Hand washing, keeping your distance where possible, not licking doorknobs are all prudent measures all of the time.  And, yes, being locked forever in a hermetically sealed plastic bubble will guarantee you won’t get COVID.  But, I’m sorry, if you are too scared to drive by yourself without wearing a mask, someone must be tying your shoes for you.  Still, if that’s how you roll, knock yourself out.  Just don’t expect me to join you in your mental illness.

                2.  Some people have contracted the Chinese Flu even though they’ve been vaccinated!

                Logic:

                Yes, that is troubling somewhat, but have any of the vaccines been touted as 100% effective against the virus?  No.  So, logically, a percentage will become affected.

                3.  The Idiot-in-Chief claims his mask fetish is not about politics.

                Critical Thinking:

                American citizens may need proof of vaccination before they can go to the ballgame.  But, hey, if you come crashing across the Southern border, who cares if you have the Wuhan Flu?  Not about politics?  Please.

                4.  A crushing tax burden will only stimulate the economy.

                Common Sense:

                ????????????????????????????????????????????????

                5.  Vladimir Putin is a “killer” and we must  ship Ukraine millions of dollars of military equipment!

                Logic:

                Russia will see the United States as an adversary again. Yay, good ole Cold War days!

                6.  The Department of Defense will fund gender reassignment surgery!
                Critical Thinking:

                Rendering personnel undeployable for who knows how long will enhance the military’s primary mission of killing people and destroying things how?

                7.  Solar and wind energy will power the future!

                Common Sense:

                Solar and wind have a place, but fossil fuels are critical to our society and infrastructure.  Unless I imagined the Texas electrical grid shitting the bed.

                8.  We must actively rejoin the Paris Climate Accords!

                Logic:

                Despite being one of the biggest emitters of greenhouse gases, China will not be bound by this agreement for a decade.  Meanwhile, the United States, even though it has substantially cut back on its own emissions, will happily trash its economy.

                9.  Our reliance on fossil fuels is a threat to the globe!  Everyone must do their part!

                Critical Thinking:

                John Kerry took a private jet to Iceland to receive an environmental award.

                10.  The sins of the son have nothing to do with the father!

                Common Sense:

                Okay, in this instance I agree.  I would never want to be held to account for the actions of my father.  I also didn’t think it was fair that more than a few people were condemning Ted Cruz because his dad allegedly had something to do with Kennedy’s assassination.  Now, if Hunter Biden’s monkeyshines have something to do with Grampa Joe…

                11.  Mr. Potato Head is a symbol of toxic masculinity!

                Critical Thinking:

                Mr. Potato Head never had a penis.  Caitlyn Jenner, on the other hand…

                12.  Demanding people show identification before they can vote is racist!

                Common Sense:

                Showing identification before you can receive the COVID vaccination is not.

                13.  Georgia’s Voting Law is racist!
                Logic:

                So, in a textbook example of the bigotry of low expectations, minorities are unable or too stupid to obtain identification.

                14.  Only people who make over $400,000 will see a tax increase!

                Critical Thinking:

                What happens when the cost of business increases?  The increased cost will be passed on to consumers.

                15.  Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game must be moved from Georgia because Georgia requires ID to vote!

                Common Sense:

                Let’s move it to Colorado.  Which requires ID to vote.

                16.  The entire state of Georgia must be boycotted!

                Logic:

                So, CNN will move from Atlanta?

                17.  ORANGE MAN BAD!

                Critical Thinking:

                Elect/select a demented muppet who will raise taxes, kill jobs, and exacerbate racial tensions.  Because UNITY!  The Woke are incapable of recognizing that their guy may not be the right answer either.

                18.  Black Lives Matter!

                Common Sense:

                Of course they do.  As do Hispanic lives, Asian lives, Indian lives, and White lives.

                19.  I got a $1,400 stimulus check because DEMOCRATS CARE!

                Logic:

                Taxpayer-funded, so everyone giddily pissing themselves are receiving their own money.  Plus, how much of the latest stimulus act actually went to COVID relief?  Bread and circuses, my friends, bread and circuses.

                20.  Lockdowns work! 

                Critical Thinking:

                What are the statewide infections/hospitalizations/deaths rates of New York/California compared to Florida/Texas?

                I could go on and on.  When the Babylon Bee looks like a reputable news site compared to the New York Times, you know you’re in trouble.  Examples of woke foolishness are legion; the most difficult job is to decide which one to tackle.

Unfortunately, I will never be lacking for material.

                Notice I mentioned nothing about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

                But, I could have.  

Pass the Matzah

“Soylent Green is peopl…crap. Wrong movie.”

     The following could be considered wildly irreverent.  Could be?  Please accept my apologies in advance.  I just hope Hell has visiting hours so you can come see me.

     As a test of how much I learned in school, I’m not going to consult Google, the entrails of an owl, or Mr. Fineman from across the street. 

     I’m also too lazy to open a book.

     A good lot of you are preparing for Easter, which is observed the…let me see if I have this straight…first Sunday after the full moon which occurs after the spring equinox (or whenever the calendar says).

     Recognized by Christians worldwide as the most sacred day in their calendar, Easter is a time to reflect on the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, a carpenter’s son from Nazareth.

     NOTE:  Not all Christians mind you.  The Eastern Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, or Romanian Orthodox Episcopate know-it-alls use the Julian Calendar (don’t get me started) so, by their reckoning, Easter is a week later.  I think.  Meh.  They’re just showoffs with funny hats anyway.

“Yeah, laugh clown, clown. Who can get Easter candy on clearance? Winning!”

     Gathered together as one (augmented by “twice a year” Christians checking off the first of their churchly obligations-the other being Christmas), they ponder the awesome mysteries of their faith.  And how exactly a bunny could lay eggs.

     But did you know (okay most do), that Jesus was a rabbi?  That He, along with his followers, was in Jerusalem to celebrate Passover, one of the most sacred days of the Jewish calendar?    No, he wasn’t Catholic, despite what Sister Mary Gregory of the Titanium Yardstick tried to beat into you.

     In fact, as I write this, it is “Holy Thursday,” the night Jesus and his disciples partook of what Christians call “The Last Supper” (so that’s where Da Vinci got it from!).  In reality, this was a Passover “Seder.”

     Despite what Cecil B. De Mille would have you believe, The Ten Commandments, while playing on ABC annually on Easter Night (God knows-no pun intended-when it’s on now) is not an Easter movie.

     King of Kings?  Yeah.  The Robe?  Okay.  Ben-Hur?  Sure.  Ben Gay?  Now you’re being silly.

Ben-Him.
Also played by Charlton Heston.

     But, The Ten Commandments?  Oy.     

Also not an Easter movie.
But, it did have Charlton Heston it.
So, there’s that.

     Passover is a Jewish (I think we’ve already covered that) celebration which commemorates the exodus (so THAT explains the book) of the Hebrews from Egypt, way back when Betty White and Keith Richards were teenagers.

     They were led by Charlton Heston, who if he’d only kept his trap shut, could have eventually become Pharaoh (or at least Vice-Pharaoh) and freed the slaves.  Along the way, he could also have bagged the hot Nefertiri (not to be confused with ‘Nefertiti.’  Who was in The Mummy.  But, she was hot, too. Plus, she’s not dead now, either).  Then, Ramses (aka Yul Brynner), inventor of the prophylactic, wouldn’t have donned the royal loincloth and bedded Anne Baxter.

Nefertiri. See what I mean? By the way, I know where you’re looking. Pigs.

     But, noooooo, Moses just had to schlep out into the desert, raise some sheep, marry Lily Munster, open the Midian chapter of the NRA, and meet God (who did not look like George Burns).

Sure, she’s no Nefertiri, but still…

   

“I’d hit it.”

  Moses, heeding a divine call (not of nature necessarily), decided to go back to Egypt to free the slaves.  Imagine Ramses’ chagrin when the “Big Mo” barged into meetings of the Pyramid Planning Commission, waved his stick around (double entendre intended), and ordered his BFF, Aaron, to turn goats into chickens.  Or grass stains into dazzling whites.

     Moses warned (well, after God sent him a text) that a series of plagues would be visited on Egypt: frogs, locusts, boils (eww), bloody water, the Pelosi Pox, irritable bowel syndrome (double eww), etc.  Each were meant to convince Yul Pharaoh to “let the people go.” 

     They were actually starting to work, too, until Ramses looked at the latest Gallup poll numbers.  Figuring he had to satisfy his “pro-slavery” base, his heart was hardened and he called the whole deal off.

     Well, Moses eventually had enough of this crap.  He told Ramses that the first-born of Egypt would be slain in punishment for enslaving his people.  This included (spoiler alert) the Pharaoh’s own son!

     NOTE:  I think this was true, at least according to the movie.  The film industry was pretty truthful sixty years ago.  Even though I didn’t think monkeys could fly, Hollywood wouldn’t lie to me.  Is it any wonder I have trust issues?

     The Hebrews, feeling pretty damned cocky, painted goat (or sheep?) blood over their doors.  They felt quite safe that death would “pass” them “over.”  (Get it now?).  Mostly because Death got wicked skeeved at the sight of blood.

     So, they hung out while the “Destroyer” (depicted by a red cloud.  Special effects were kinda cheesy back then.  After all, “Industrial Light and Magic” hadn’t been invented yet) went from door to door seeking out Egyptians who won a lottery they hadn’t reckoned on.  It was accompanied by a couple of Mormons on bikes who figured it “couldn’t hurt.” 

     The Hebrews sang songs, prayed prayers, played “Old Testament Yahtzee”, and ate unleavened bread called “matzah” (because Dominos stopped delivering at 10).

     When the day dawned and Ramses saw the mess (“Now, we’ll never get that blood out!”), he ordered Moses to pack up his shit and get the hell out.

     NOTE:  Ramses may not have said ‘shit.’

“I know what I said. So let it be written, so let it be done.”

     So, Moses jumped for Joy (his sister-in-law) and convinced everybody to pack their toothbrushes and a change of underwear (“So, where is it we’re exactly going, Mr. Fancy Pants Big Shot?”).  He wasn’t exactly sure where they’d be going, though.  Unfortunately, Aaron had turned his map into an origami whooping crane.

     Bottom line, the Hebrews finally left Egypt.  Along the way, the Egyptian Army went for a one-way dip in the Red Sea, Edward G. Robinson talked a lot of smack, Aaron was forced to make some seriously effed-up looking calf, they all got jiggy with their bad selves at the base of Mount Sinai, Moses saw a wicked cool light show on the mountain, and had bread fall out of the sky for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (“So we couldn’t maybe get a nice brisket instead?”). 

Wrong statue. But you get the idea.

     They were finally allowed to enter the Promised Land after 40 years (the prior tenants had a wicked long-term lease).

     Since I’m sure I’ve put you to sleep by now, let me finish by saying that Moses wasn’t even allowed to enter with the rest of his people (he didn’t get his wrist stamped). 

     He had to watch while Joshua (played in the movie by John Derek.  Before he got fat, married Bo, and died) led his people into…Canaan?  At any rate, someplace the Iranians would get all hacked off about eventually.

     I think it had something to do with smacking a rock to get water.  Which was a mistake.    

     Because, as we all know, paper, not water, covers rock.     Now, since I’m probably in hot water with Christians, Jews, and Muslims, I’d better start packing for Purgatory.

     I’m sure I’ll be spending a lot of time there.

     At least that’s what Sister Mary Gregory said.