I dunno. Doesn’t seem like a fair trade to me.
Especially if it’s a crappy watch.
I dunno. Doesn’t seem like a fair trade to me.
Especially if it’s a crappy watch.
WARNING: When trying to come up with a column for today, I was faced with a choice of addressing hard-hitting news or dementia in Washington, D.C. I chose this. The following contains absolutely zero intellectual value. Unless you’re a marine biologist.
Sources: Wikipedia, National Geographic, a sixth-grader named Stewart
The narwhal or narwhale (that’s what Stewart told me anyway) belong to the species Monodon Monoceros (Latin for “Watch Out, This Bitch Carries Mono”).
It’s a medium-sized whale (not unlike Oprah) which lives year-round in the Arctic (after its distant relatives, the manatees, got all uppity and kicked them out of their Tampa winter homes for laying around and eating all the fish).
One of two species of whale in the Monodontidae (there’s that ‘mono’ word again) family, along with the beluga whale (who knew?), they are distinguished by being punier than their snotty cousins, the sperm whale (who really have no reason to feel superior. Given their name and all).
In addition to the lack of a true dorsal fin, they possess a characteristic long tusk which extends from a hole in their upper lip. Primarily a male feature (as if a penis wasn’t enough), they aren’t actually “tusks” at all, but some kind of weird-ass tooth. Which makes them a target for ridicule by fish and even squids.
Evidently-drunk medieval Europeans confused this tusk as the horn belonging to the legendary unicorn. Which had no business swimming. What’s more, they believed this horn had magical powers which could cure melancholy, poison, plague, and the Moors. But, since Europeans also believed that elves caused genital herpes, it’s kind of hard to take them seriously.
The purpose for this narwhallic snaggle-tooth (I just made that up) remains a mystery. Differing theories hold that it may have something to do with mating, breaking through dense pack ice, capturing prey, scratching the itch of friendly sea lions, or for advertising. Although, most reputable biologists now refute its use for catching food.
These creatures are found in Canadian, Russian, and Greenland Arctic waters, Seaworld, and with Buddy the Elf. A specialized predator, their diet consists primarily of benthic fish (NOTE: I have no clue what that means. Feel free to look it up).
Narwhal have been hunted for millennia by native Inuit people (the Polynesians having long since left because the beaches were much better in Hawaii) for their meat, ivory, skin, blubber, and as conversation pieces for igloo coffee tables. However, this practice has dwindled due primarily to a shrinking herd, conservation efforts, evolving cultural practices, and the fact that Door Dash now delivers to the North Pole.
Other predators include killer whales (which aren’t whales at all, but particularly bad-ass dolphins), polar bears, and the occasional confused mountain lion.
Master of the Northern Ocean (if sperm whales are on vacation), Denizens of the Deep, Bucktoothed Whipping Boys of the Whale World, Scourge of Benthic Fish.
Or, as Qaanaaq, Tribal Elder and Noted Inuit Crazy Person, likes to call them, “Nanooq lamooq na attatook hanni boof.”
Or, “Beast In Front of Whom One Must Never Bend Over.”
But, I could be wrong.
DISCLAIMER: A lot of the above is
probably definitely not true. Especially that “Qaanaaq” business. But, elves probably do cause herpes. At least that’s what Sister Mary Ignatius of the Yardstick told us in Religion and Marine Biology class.
And not just because it sucks.
After twenty years of war, the United States is withdrawing from Afghanistan. Declaring that the American military has achieved its military goals, Joe Biden set a date of September 11th as the final day for our servicemen and women to leave with honor.
Before the Idiot-in-Chief sends them to another war zone. Bank on it.
Never mind that Donald Trump had already set a date of May 1st. Heaven forbid that the Biden Administration does anything that the evil racist Orange Man did. September it is, then.
I’m of two minds about this. If pressed, I view the ending of our involvement in that shithole as a good thing. After all, there’s nothing there worth an American life. In fact, if it were up to me, I’d pull every American out of every country in the world. Let them take care of themselves.
Going into Afghanistan made sense back in the fall of 2001. Dear Lord, when I write that down, it brings home how long it’s actually been. The United States had been brutally attacked and thousands of innocent people were slaughtered, including two friends of mine.
Something needed to be done to deny safe haven to the animals who would carry out a such a heinous massacre. Along the way, the Taliban stranglehold on the country was decapitated. Some semblance of freedom slowly burgeoned among the Afghan people. Good things.
But then, as in Vietnam, an American presence began to be perceived as the norm. Ostensibly there to train local forces to prevent a fundamental Islamic resurgence, it was felt that only American muscle could adequately safeguard the region. Moreover, the national military could not bring the type of air power punch that the Americans could.
Haven’t we seen this movie before?
That may be all well and good, but we’ve got our own problems. Mostly of the “shoot yourself in the foot” variety, but if you put your masochist hat on and watch the news, you’ll see any number of troubles on American shores. I won’t list them all here (not enough room), but you get my point. We’re not living in Mayberry anymore, my friends.
Then, I stop to think about that vacuum thing. Does anyone doubt that, after we pull out of that troubled country, the Taliban will roar back into power? Or, worse, a group sponsored by Iran? An Iran which clearly has no love for “The Great Satan.”
It’s a scenario eerily reminiscent of Vietnam. The enemy we had beaten back and held somewhat at bay, took over the whole shooting match (probably an unfortunate term) once we pulled the flag down and got onboard the choppers. Thousands of lives, millions of dollars wasted.
And God help the poor bastards who helped us. Human decency demands we take them back with us.
Of course, I’m not saying throw good money at the bad. Refusing to admit a mistake is what got Lyndon Johnson into trouble. The problem in Vietnam was not the lack of a stated goal, but the lack of a will to do what was needed to get it done to see it through. When the need to “go Roman” was apparent, we chose to “go French.”
The problem in Afghanistan was that, beyond dismantling a terror network, there really was no stated goal. Make the country a democratic stronghold? Establish a bulwark against Iran? China? Russia? Prevent a repeat of 9/11? Ensure the viability of the poppy trade (ah, my cynical side bursts through)? All of it?
In any event, I guarantee that something will fill that vacuum.
I doubt Russia will. They had their hands full with that place in the 80s. The Russians may not feel it’s worth the effort anymore, despite the fact that the bordering nations (the “Stans”) were once part of the Soviet Union. China? Maybe. What would it benefit the Chinese? It’s a landlocked mountainous country, but it has a grunch of mineral resources, including natural gas and oil. So, yeah, sure, that could tempt Beijing.
Iran. Now there’s the more likely contender, in my opinion. Or at least a Tehran-sponsored terrorist network. A network only too willing to dance to the tune of their mullah bandleaders.
At the very least, peace, love, and Kumbaya won’t break out in Kabul once we’ve left the stage, of that you can be sure.
You know what, though? I don’t care. If people aren’t willing to fight for their freedoms without big brother standing over their shoulder (hell, we’ve got enough of them here), than maybe you weren’t worth all the trouble in the first place.
Will the United States see a return to the early twenty-first century if we say sayonara to Central Asia? Are we at risk of another 9/11 style of attack? Possibly. To avoid that, it’s incumbent upon us to have a competent intelligence network (I wrote that with a straight face) which can alert us to any nefarious goings-on. I realize that’s a tall order given the preoccupation of far too many with racist Math books, Fauci-Worship, and plastic potato penises. We must pull our heads out of the “Woke Hole,” though, to concentrate on the important stuff.
I realize that I could be wrong and dangerously short-sighted. Only though American strength abroad can we guarantee American peace at home, many will contend. Not for nothing, I’m wondering how safe the citizens of Portland feel?
After all, we’ve maintained troops in Germany, Japan, and South Korea for decades, they say. See how we’ve ensured peace? Murica!
Well, I counter with that may have made sense in the 40s, but don’t kid yourselves. It was about the Soviet Union and North Korea. Those occupied countries (sorry, but that’s what they are) have done pretty good for themselves, primarily on our defense dime. Like I said, I wouldn’t necessarily have a problem if we bid them farewell, too.
Far be it from me to agree with anything the demented muppet in the White House does, but it’s time to leave Afghanistan. Sure, he’s appealing to his base and, yes, he’s going for political theater by calling for it on the anniversary of the terrorist attacks on this country. However, it’s ultimately the right thing to do.
Trump called for it and I expressed the same thought processes then as I do now. While I don’t feel like checking who applauded the action then, but condemn it now (partisan much?), my mind hasn’t changed.
I won’t go so far as giving the Sniffer the benefit of the doubt because he’s looking to score political points. I’ll just acknowledge that it’s time.
The big difference between Trump and Biden, though? I think people in Taiwan and Ukraine have every reason to be nervous. What’s more, I think people in the United States should be nervous because Grampa Joe doesn’t realize his paper tiger doesn’t even have paper teeth and claws anymore.
The United States wouldn’t be perceived as a weak laughingstock by the bad actors of the world with a President Trump. The dude wasn’t perfect (e.g., tariffs), but he would protect this country if push came to shove. “America First” wasn’t just a campaign slogan to him.
Now? Well, we may go to war over Taiwan, but we don’t have to worry about racist pancake syrup anymore.
NOTE: The following has very little to do with Vietnam. As you read further, you’ll see what I mean. In fact, I know very little about Vietnam, apart from where it is and that a fat Marlon Brando once waddled around its jungles while a thin Martin Sheen went mental there. I did coach a soccer team with a man from Vietnam once, though. He was a real nice guy who had mad soccer skills, even though I questioned his penchant for using punji sticks during defensive drills. What’s more, I had a devil of a time understanding him (although, to be fair, if I tried to order lunch in Ho Chi Minh City, I’d probably get a rectal exam. Unless that’s part of their culture. Who am I to judge?). Anyway…
As you’ve no doubt surmised (snooty word for “figgered out”), I often look at things in a, shall we say, wiseguy kind of way.
If I see something which strikes me as funny, I’m of course going to make things worse by pointing it out or even correcting what I think was a slip of the tongue, grammatically speaking (medically speaking is a whole ‘nother ball of wax).
That being the case, though, I have cut down on pointing out the verbal and spelling gaffes of others, even though I thought I was being cute by doing so. I came to the conclusion that I was being somewhat of a douche.
However, I still notice the odd bits of life. So, if you throw me a softball that I just can’t help putting over the fence in a double entendre kind of way (especially in a double entendre kind of way), I probably won’t be able to help myself. It’s a sickness.
So it was this morning with my underwear (no, NOT by what was in it. Although…). As I was getting ready to start my strenuous day of lounging about, I read the care label on my skivvies (boxer briefs, in case you dig knowing that sort of thing).
Hey, I left my cell phone in my room.
I saw that they were “Hecho En Vietnam.” (Language Tip: This means, “Made in Vietnam” for those who took “History of Flan” in high school instead of language classes or who are too cheap to buy Rosetta and the Family Stone lessons).
It caused me to wonder. Is underwear-making such a complicated science that it needs to be shipped overseas? Or is it so damn simple that the Vietnamese can handle it? It’s obviously a money thing, but for cryin’ out loud, it’s only a cloth pouch for the boys, not sex robots.
As I looked at it further (I was still busy doing bidness, if you know what I mean), I saw that, under the English writing, were washing and care instructions in Spanish.
Why not Vietnamese? Or do the Vietnamese not wear underwear? Or, as I suspect, are the Vietnamese so smart they don’t need to be told how to wash their frikkin’ drawers? I don’t know, maybe a combination of the two. Going “commando” can be liberating, after all.
And why Spanish? Do people assume that Hispanics need to have that kind of information while white people don’t?
I further noticed the following (in English and Spanish): “Cool iron if needed.”
Excuse me, who the hell irons their underwear!!??
I didn’t even press my tighty-whiteys in boot camp. And they made us shave our chest hairs.
On further deliberation, I guess maybe you’d want starchy drawers if you were visiting Michael Jackson’s gravesite (oooh, sorry. Too soon?). Plus, what if you got into an accident?
“It’s hard to tell what caused this horrific accident, Sarge.”
“Any evidence of speeding?”
“Not that I can see.”
“No, but his skivvies were wrinkled.”
“Well, there’s your answer!”
So, maybe I oughta plug my iron in because there’s no sense in having creases in my “gotchies.”
But, first, I think I’ll give that guy from the soccer team a call. Maybe he can give me some advice.
Seriously. Are you? Bigot.
Being “woke,” for those who do not know (I was blissfully ignorant of its present meaning for most of my life) was used to describe literally not falling asleep or as slang for one’s suspicions of being cheated on by a romantic partner. Surprisingly (once again, to me), it morphed into being used solely in the former sense. Although, instead of describing narcoleptic misadventures, we were urged to be “woke” to social and racial injustice, especially in the wake of the Michael “Gentle Giant” Brown fiasco.
It’s much more detailed than that, although not by a whole lot. I won’t bore you with the excruciatingly long transformation to its present-day idiocy, though. You’re welcome.
Let’s just put it this way. If someone is sincerely urging you to be “woke,” they are a moron.
Sadly, for far too many people, “wokeness” has supplanted common sense, logic, and critical thinking in our society.
1. We must all wear masks (nay, two) so that we can get control of the Chinese Virus!
A virus is going to do what a virus is going to do. What is the end game? Two weeks? Two months? Two years? Forever? Hand washing, keeping your distance where possible, not licking doorknobs are all prudent measures all of the time. And, yes, being locked forever in a hermetically sealed plastic bubble will guarantee you won’t get COVID. But, I’m sorry, if you are too scared to drive by yourself without wearing a mask, someone must be tying your shoes for you. Still, if that’s how you roll, knock yourself out. Just don’t expect me to join you in your mental illness.
2. Some people have contracted the Chinese Flu even though they’ve been vaccinated!
Yes, that is troubling somewhat, but have any of the vaccines been touted as 100% effective against the virus? No. So, logically, a percentage will become affected.
3. The Idiot-in-Chief claims his mask fetish is not about politics.
American citizens may need proof of vaccination before they can go to the ballgame. But, hey, if you come crashing across the Southern border, who cares if you have the Wuhan Flu? Not about politics? Please.
4. A crushing tax burden will only stimulate the economy.
5. Vladimir Putin is a “killer” and we must ship Ukraine millions of dollars of military equipment!
Russia will see the United States as an adversary again. Yay, good ole Cold War days!
6. The Department of Defense will fund gender reassignment surgery!
Rendering personnel undeployable for who knows how long will enhance the military’s primary mission of killing people and destroying things how?
7. Solar and wind energy will power the future!
Solar and wind have a place, but fossil fuels are critical to our society and infrastructure. Unless I imagined the Texas electrical grid shitting the bed.
8. We must actively rejoin the Paris Climate Accords!
Despite being one of the biggest emitters of greenhouse gases, China will not be bound by this agreement for a decade. Meanwhile, the United States, even though it has substantially cut back on its own emissions, will happily trash its economy.
9. Our reliance on fossil fuels is a threat to the globe! Everyone must do their part!
John Kerry took a private jet to Iceland to receive an environmental award.
10. The sins of the son have nothing to do with the father!
Okay, in this instance I agree. I would never want to be held to account for the actions of my father. I also didn’t think it was fair that more than a few people were condemning Ted Cruz because his dad allegedly had something to do with Kennedy’s assassination. Now, if Hunter Biden’s monkeyshines have something to do with Grampa Joe…
11. Mr. Potato Head is a symbol of toxic masculinity!
Mr. Potato Head never had a penis. Caitlyn Jenner, on the other hand…
12. Demanding people show identification before they can vote is racist!
Showing identification before you can receive the COVID vaccination is not.
13. Georgia’s Voting Law is racist!
So, in a textbook example of the bigotry of low expectations, minorities are unable or too stupid to obtain identification.
14. Only people who make over $400,000 will see a tax increase!
What happens when the cost of business increases? The increased cost will be passed on to consumers.
15. Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game must be moved from Georgia because Georgia requires ID to vote!
Let’s move it to Colorado. Which requires ID to vote.
16. The entire state of Georgia must be boycotted!
So, CNN will move from Atlanta?
17. ORANGE MAN BAD!
Elect/select a demented muppet who will raise taxes, kill jobs, and exacerbate racial tensions. Because UNITY! The Woke are incapable of recognizing that their guy may not be the right answer either.
18. Black Lives Matter!
Of course they do. As do Hispanic lives, Asian lives, Indian lives, and White lives.
19. I got a $1,400 stimulus check because DEMOCRATS CARE!
Taxpayer-funded, so everyone giddily pissing themselves are receiving their own money. Plus, how much of the latest stimulus act actually went to COVID relief? Bread and circuses, my friends, bread and circuses.
20. Lockdowns work!
What are the statewide infections/hospitalizations/deaths rates of New York/California compared to Florida/Texas?
I could go on and on. When the Babylon Bee looks like a reputable news site compared to the New York Times, you know you’re in trouble. Examples of woke foolishness are legion; the most difficult job is to decide which one to tackle.
Unfortunately, I will never be lacking for material.
Notice I mentioned nothing about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
But, I could have.
The following could be considered wildly irreverent. Could be? Please accept my apologies in advance. I just hope Hell has visiting hours so you can come see me.
As a test of how much I learned in school, I’m not going to consult Google, the entrails of an owl, or Mr. Fineman from across the street.
I’m also too lazy to open a book.
A good lot of you are preparing for Easter, which is observed the…let me see if I have this straight…first Sunday after the full moon which occurs after the spring equinox (or whenever the calendar says).
Recognized by Christians worldwide as the most sacred day in their calendar, Easter is a time to reflect on the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, a carpenter’s son from Nazareth.
NOTE: Not all Christians mind you. The Eastern Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, or Romanian Orthodox Episcopate know-it-alls use the Julian Calendar (don’t get me started) so, by their reckoning, Easter is a week later. I think. Meh. They’re just showoffs with funny hats anyway.
Gathered together as one (augmented by “twice a year” Christians checking off the first of their churchly obligations-the other being Christmas), they ponder the awesome mysteries of their faith. And how exactly a bunny could lay eggs.
But did you know (okay most do), that Jesus was a rabbi? That He, along with his followers, was in Jerusalem to celebrate Passover, one of the most sacred days of the Jewish calendar? No, he wasn’t Catholic, despite what Sister Mary Gregory of the Titanium Yardstick tried to beat into you.
In fact, as I write this, it is “Holy Thursday,” the night Jesus and his disciples partook of what Christians call “The Last Supper” (so that’s where Da Vinci got it from!). In reality, this was a Passover “Seder.”
Despite what Cecil B. De Mille would have you believe, The Ten Commandments, while playing on ABC annually on Easter Night (God knows-no pun intended-when it’s on now) is not an Easter movie.
King of Kings? Yeah. The Robe? Okay. Ben-Hur? Sure. Ben Gay? Now you’re being silly.
But, The Ten Commandments? Oy.
Passover is a Jewish (I think we’ve already covered that) celebration which commemorates the exodus (so THAT explains the book) of the Hebrews from Egypt, way back when Betty White and Keith Richards were teenagers.
They were led by Charlton Heston, who if he’d only kept his trap shut, could have eventually become Pharaoh (or at least Vice-Pharaoh) and freed the slaves. Along the way, he could also have bagged the hot Nefertiri (not to be confused with ‘Nefertiti.’ Who was in The Mummy. But, she was hot, too. Plus, she’s not dead now, either). Then, Ramses (aka Yul Brynner), inventor of the prophylactic, wouldn’t have donned the royal loincloth and bedded Anne Baxter.
But, noooooo, Moses just had to schlep out into the desert, raise some sheep, marry Lily Munster, open the Midian chapter of the NRA, and meet God (who did not look like George Burns).
Moses, heeding a divine call (not of nature necessarily), decided to go back to Egypt to free the slaves. Imagine Ramses’ chagrin when the “Big Mo” barged into meetings of the Pyramid Planning Commission, waved his stick around (double entendre intended), and ordered his BFF, Aaron, to turn goats into chickens. Or grass stains into dazzling whites.
Moses warned (well, after God sent him a text) that a series of plagues would be visited on Egypt: frogs, locusts, boils (eww), bloody water, the Pelosi Pox, irritable bowel syndrome (double eww), etc. Each were meant to convince
Yul Pharaoh to “let the people go.”
They were actually starting to work, too, until Ramses looked at the latest Gallup poll numbers. Figuring he had to satisfy his “pro-slavery” base, his heart was hardened and he called the whole deal off.
Well, Moses eventually had enough of this crap. He told Ramses that the first-born of Egypt would be slain in punishment for enslaving his people. This included (spoiler alert) the Pharaoh’s own son!
NOTE: I think this was true, at least according to the movie. The film industry was pretty truthful sixty years ago. Even though I didn’t think monkeys could fly, Hollywood wouldn’t lie to me. Is it any wonder I have trust issues?
The Hebrews, feeling pretty damned cocky, painted goat (or sheep?) blood over their doors. They felt quite safe that death would “pass” them “over.” (Get it now?). Mostly because Death got wicked skeeved at the sight of blood.
So, they hung out while the “Destroyer” (depicted by a red cloud. Special effects were kinda cheesy back then. After all, “Industrial Light and Magic” hadn’t been invented yet) went from door to door seeking out Egyptians who won a lottery they hadn’t reckoned on. It was accompanied by a couple of Mormons on bikes who figured it “couldn’t hurt.”
The Hebrews sang songs, prayed prayers, played “Old Testament Yahtzee”, and ate unleavened bread called “matzah” (because Dominos stopped delivering at 10).
When the day dawned and Ramses saw the mess (“Now, we’ll never get that blood out!”), he ordered Moses to pack up his shit and get the hell out.
NOTE: Ramses may not have said ‘shit.’
So, Moses jumped for Joy (his sister-in-law) and convinced everybody to pack their toothbrushes and a change of underwear (“So, where is it we’re exactly going, Mr. Fancy Pants Big Shot?”). He wasn’t exactly sure where they’d be going, though. Unfortunately, Aaron had turned his map into an origami whooping crane.
Bottom line, the Hebrews finally left Egypt. Along the way, the Egyptian Army went for a one-way dip in the Red Sea, Edward G. Robinson talked a lot of smack, Aaron was forced to make some seriously effed-up looking calf, they all got jiggy with their bad selves at the base of Mount Sinai, Moses saw a wicked cool light show on the mountain, and had bread fall out of the sky for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (“So we couldn’t maybe get a nice brisket instead?”).
They were finally allowed to enter the Promised Land after 40 years (the prior tenants had a wicked long-term lease).
Since I’m sure I’ve put you to sleep by now, let me finish by saying that Moses wasn’t even allowed to enter with the rest of his people (he didn’t get his wrist stamped).
He had to watch while Joshua (played in the movie by John Derek. Before he got fat, married Bo, and died) led his people into…Canaan? At any rate, someplace the Iranians would get all hacked off about eventually.
I think it had something to do with smacking a rock to get water. Which was a mistake.
Because, as we all know, paper, not water, covers rock. Now, since I’m probably in hot water with Christians, Jews, and Muslims, I’d better start packing for Purgatory.
I’m sure I’ll be spending a lot of time there.
At least that’s what Sister Mary Gregory said.