Dawn of the Age of Dinosaurs
Brought to You By the Republican Party
In our last installment, life (well, animal life. Please forgive my raging Floraphobia), began to emerge from the sea onto the primordial ooze (I love that phrase. Reminds me of a girl I knew in high school) in the Cambrian Epoch (Era…whatever). Or was that from the primordial ooze onto the land? Whatever. I’m not sure.
Anyway, the first critter to sally forth upon terra firma (which probably wasn’t very firma) was a charming little rascal called Perdepes Finneyae (FULL DISCLOSURE: If you think I actually knew that name and didn’t have to look it up, you give me much more credit than I deserve. I’m mostly winging this, but occasionally I’ll need to look something up. I think its modern cousin is the “Lungfish.” Or Whoopi Goldberg). Anyway, it could breathe air, as well as live and breath underwater. I think we call them amphibians. Or Aquaman.
Life went on evolving for millions and millions of years (or roughly the lifespan of Keith Richards). The Pre-Cambrian gave way to the Cambrian Epoch which eventually gave way to the Paleozoic when its lease ran out.
The Pre-Cambrian was noted for swamp muck and not much of anything else except for some life in the oceans, like starfish, algae, and the boring trilobites.
Next up was the Paleozoic Era (fewer letters to type than ‘epoch’ so I’m going with ‘era.’).
It didn’t last all that long. Relatively. But, it was marked by a rush of life moving from the oceans onto the land. Starting with the aforementioned goofy lungfish milling about the ferns, we begin to see (well, not ‘we,’ exactly. Maybe Betty White, though. She’s pretty old) more advanced forms of life culminating in a dinosaur looking thing with one hell of a back grill.
It was during this time that the major land masses of the Earth, moving around on their tectonic plates, collided together to form a Super-Continent known as “Pangea.” Many people in the past doubted this actually happened, but archeologists digging in what would eventually become Mara Lago, discovered fossils wearing MPGA ballcaps.
Anyway, it was all for naught (or is that ‘nought’?)
when the Earth suffered its first mass extinction at the end-naturally-of the Permian Period (which was actually kind of fortunate, because the dimetrodons could then avoid going to Math during Third Period).
No one knows what caused this extinction (a comet, plastic straws, gender dysphoria, or volcanic instability), but what became known as the “Permian Extinction” wiped out over half the life on the land and nearly everything in the oceans.
They probably should have worn masks.
Bet it sucked, though.
Especially, for the tough-guy dinosaurs who never got a chance to rumble with the Tyrannosaurus and Velociraptor.
Next time…the Mesozoic and Cenozoic. Starring cool dinosaurs.