NOTE: I think I wrote this already, but if you’re using this to study for the History Advanced Placement Examination, the only college you’ll get into is Klown Kollege. Or you’ll be confused with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The below is meant for entertainment (hopefully) use only.
The Age of Cool Dinosaurs
Brought to you by the Biden Administration
Hand Over Your Wallet
Following the mass extinction of the Permian Period brought on by Thanos, the remaining Avengers gathered together in New Yo….oh. Wait. That’s not right. My bad.
Anyway, the life which was left poked their heads out of some burrow, turned to their neighbor and asked, “Hey, WTF just happened? Ooh, the smart-ass dimetrodons are gone. Cool.”
They really shouldn’t have been too cocky, though. Because, even though they didn’t know it (calendars hadn’t been invented yet, after all), they found themselves at the doorstep of the Mesozoic Era. It was during this multi-million year period when the really big (and, let’s face it, cool) dinosaurs were born (Hatched. Whatever. I don’t know. Do you know? I didn’t think so. Shut up).
And eat them.
The Brontosaurus (which nerds now call “Brachiosaurus”), Stegosaurus, Allosaurus, Pterosaurs, Coldsaurus, and Tyrannosaurus (among many others. I’m just sticking with the “saurus” theme. You’re welcome.) made their appearance on the world stage during the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous periods.
NOTE: The Bidenosaurus was banished from the dinosaur world, despite offering free massages to juvenile T-Rex’s.
This included the Velociraptors which nobody really heard of until Jurassic World.
During this time frame, mammals begin to evolve themselves (not humans yet, despite that painting of cavemen fighting raptors with machine guns on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel). Since they were so small, they were certainly no match for their lizard (or whatever they were…they may have been proto-birds, Kryptonians, or ancestors of Al-Qaeda…who knows?) neighbors, though.
Lucky for the mammals that they were small and thus, mostly immune from the next mass extinction caused by an asteroid strike (or bad clams). The climate changed abruptly from a mostly humid, tropical, frankly uncomfortable, world (you know, a lot like Disney World in August). A lot (probably most. Too lazy to look it up) of the life was wiped out.
Yeah, of course, the neat dinosaurs were killed because they could not survive in this new environment. And they forgot to pack warm coats.
Frikkin’ asteroids, amirite?
This brought the world into the “Cenozoic Era.” It was here when newer and bigger models of mammals emerged onto the scene.
Sensing the coast was clear, apes slowly began to crawl down from the same trees they crawled up when some random punk dinosaur decided to pick on someone smaller than them to impress the lady dinosaurs. Deciding to stretch their legs, these proto-humans began grunting a common language, fashioned rocks into tools, became lawyers, and decided to stroll into that neat-looking garden with the neat-looking tree in the middle.
Where they were killed by Adam and Eve.
Believe it or not, we are still living in the Cenozoic Era. This means that, Betty White notwithstanding, we’re relative youngsters in what is by far the shortest geologic time period in world history. Geologists, archeologists, anthropologists, paleontologists, masochists, taxidermists, Scientologists, botanists, gynecologists, phlebotomists…whatever…
state that this era won’t come to an end until after another mass extinction.
Next time: Who Turned the Heat Off?