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To assist drivers having difficulty locating their vehicles in crowded parking lots, General Motors announces that the “Happy Asian Pop Up Device” will be standard equipment on all 2022 GM Sedans.

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American Risk Takers: 1840
“Okay, so we may starve, get massacred by Indians, or freeze to death in a blizzard, but it’s worth it. Just think of all the land that just waits for the taking!”
American Risk Takers: 2021
“YOU’D BETTER GET SIX FEET AWAY FROM ME! I SAW THE KOMBUCHA FIRST! RACIST!”

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Punxsutawney Joe sees his shadow and realizes he only has six weeks left in his presidency.

In related news, Kamala Harris seen measuring drapes in the Oval Office.

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Wawa cancels Donald Trump’s Membership in Wawa Rewards

“This clearly is an unfair decision by the executives at Wawa. I would think that a company that uses a duck, goose, or whatever that thing is would seriously consider the repercussions of denying any citizen, one of the finest to be sure, such a basic human right. Frankly, every American, except Sleepy Joe, is entitled to quality food at reasonable prices. And, ohhhhh, those pretzels! Okay, they can sometimes be soggy, but, to be honest, they are some of the finest snack foods around. Magnificent. No McDonalds french fries, but still. Therefore, Melania and I will be taking our business to 7-Eleven. Even if their coffee sucks.”