And So It Begins

Since nobody will see this (okay, a couple people probably will), I’m just going to go with whatever strikes my fancy. Mind you, I don’t want to end up with a bruised fancy, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Anyway…here goes…


Prior to my retirement as an Environmental Services Associate (you know them as “custodians”), I pondered whether I should develop my own website. This would be a place where I could express my inner, deepest thoughts. Or fart jokes. Don’t judge.

This summer, I moved from the dumpster fire which is Pennsylvania to the insanity which is Virginia. As of this writing, Pennsylvania is still a dumpster fire and the jury’s out on Virginia. I relocated to Virginia Beach to help out my daughter and new son-in-law get on their feet. In a year, though, I plan on moving farther south. I’ll still be close to them (and my son and his future wife, who live in Richmond, but I’m tired of hearing sirens. I want to virtually disappear somewhere rural where, hopefully, my Yankee accent won’t get me into too much trouble.

What energized me into going with this website is the fact that Facebook, where I usually post my own brand of silly, suspended me for a month due to “violating community standards.” I have no idea what I could have done. When I tried to investigate, I could not actually see what got me tossed “into the can.” Moreover, the most recent troublesome post was January, 2019. That’s right, over a year and a half ago.

So, therefore, I decided to launch this website a little earlier than I had originally planned. I’m still finding my way around Word Press (i.e., not exactly sure how it is I post pictures…I do that sort of thing a lot). In a few weeks, I’ll reactivate my Facebook account (they suspended me…I suspended THEM. Screw those fascists). At that point, I’ll direct my friends there to find me on this site. It will contain most of the stuff I already post on Facebook and will be free. At least for the time being. It would be nice to have some money coming in. After all, I am a pensioner now. For now, though…enjoy?

Well, that’s all for now. Supper’s calling and “Jeopardy” will be coming on soon.

Stay safe, both of you.

I Can’t Be the Only One

Imagine if Nixon had one of these.

                You would think coming up with a topic would be a challenge.  Not so.  To be honest, there is no shortage of observations of this crazy world upon which to pontificate discuss.  The real challenge is to grab one of the abundant topics from the “Lunatic Merry-Go-Round” and have at it.

                The big problem is that much of the ridiculous is time-critical.  This means that by the time I get  to it (I only write “Just An Observation” once a week, don’tcha know), it could be yesterday’s lunch.

                For example, I wanted to weigh in on what I thought about Ted Cruz’s trip to Mexico.  However, that has been overshadowed by allegations against that arrogant pig, Andrew Cuomo, Dr. Suess, and the gender of a plastic potato.

                For the record, my opinion on Cruz’s trip to Mexico is that the hysteria was overblown. Is there really anything a United States Senator could do in the wake of a devastating mid-winter freeze in Texas?  Of course not.  But, still, to use the tired old cliche, bad optics…no, I would not have done it.

                On the other hand, are Liberals given a free pass for their “Let Them Eat Cake” moments?  Of course they are.

                Is Ted Cruz in Mexico on the same level as Gavin Newsom at the French Laundry?  Seriously?

                In my mind, they both sent the wrong message.  Also in my mind, one was way worse than the other.  It’s like stealing a candy bar versus robbing a bank.

                Both are wrong.

                As far as Mr. Potato Head?  How fair is it that Caitlyn Jenner is allowed to have a gender when the perforated spud cannot?  Especially since Mr. Potato Head never had a penis in the first place.

                Yeah, I can’t be the only one who thinks these things.

                But, those are not the topics of today’s discussion. 

                When I stop to consider something in the news or in life, I’ll form an opinion or develop a course of action.  I’ll calm any self-doubts I may have with the thought, “I can’t possibly be the only one who thinks this.”

                So, it is again.

                First, let me state unequivocally that I am a Conservative.  I am not a Republican.  Neither am I a Libertarian.

                I believe in:

1.  A small government.

2.  The smallest taxes assessed to every American.  In fact, a flat tax rate would be great.

3.  A strong defense.

4.  The right to life, including the unborn.  If a microbe on Mars can be considered life, why is a fetus considered just a “clump of cells?”

5.  The right to keep and bear arms.

6.  A welfare system that gives to those unable to do for themselves, not unwilling to do for themselves.  In any case, my tax dollars should only be spent on American citizens.

7. A capitalist system.  Equal opportunity.  NOT equal outcome.

8.  States’ Rights.  Believe it or not, that also includes the right of governors to run their states as they see fit, including the power-mad despots of Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, California, and so on.  The federal government has zero business telling them how to run the show, as crazy (NOT illegal) as it may be.

9  Respect for all.  Race, Creed, Sexual Orientation, Politics, Choice of footwear…doesn’t matter.  Respect me, I respect you.  If in doubt, be kind.

10.  When all else fails, the United States Constitution.

                There’s more, but I need to keep this to a minimum.       

Anyway, I also believe that Donald Trump is his own worst enemy.  I held my nose when I voted for him in 2016, because I judged Hillary Clinton to be infinitely worse.  Just  as much as the demented old fossil currently in the White House (jury’s out whether he knows where is).  To me, it was a “lesser of two evils” kind of thing.

                During his presidency, I wanted to feel comfortable about who I helped elect.  While he wasn’t as bad as I feared, there were more than a couple of “face palm” times.  Ben Shapiro put it perfectly when he described it as “Good Trump/Bad Trump.”  I could also add “Silly Trump” (I’m talking to you, Space Force).

                Unfortunately, in the aftermath of the disastrous November election, he reverted to the Trump I feared we’d see.  I agree that there is no way that moron from Delaware was the most popular president in history.  It’s clear to anyone with a brain that the Chinese Flu was the best thing to ever happen to the Democratic Party.  Something smells and it ain’t baccala (Italian Cod.  You’re welcome).

                But, once he expressed his understandable indignation, he should have just shut the hell up.  Pursue legal challenges, get the finest lawyers working on the case not named Rudy Giuliani, and never give up the fight (can I say ‘fight’?).  And no, do not concede.

                For the love of God, though, keep your piehole closed.

                When Trump refused to be quiet, refuse to appear to be anything other than a butthurt child, refuse to make it more than about him, he lost some people. Including me.

                As with Cruz, optics.  May not be fair, but that’s the environment in which we find ourselves. Remember? Dickless Mr. Potato Head.

                And, to paraphrase, I can’t be the only one.

                Don’t worry.  I’ve not gone to the Dark Side and never will.  It’s just that I’d be interested in hearing other options.

                Yes, the past four years were great.  There is no doubt in my mind.  Unfortunately, though, this became about more than his policies.  Aided by a shamefully complicit media (et tu, Fox News), it became Orange Man Bad.

                Apparently, mean tweets trump (no pun intended) closing the Keystone Pipeline.  You idiots. 

                The result is that the next four years may will be incredibly bad.  And, if Doddering Grampa is ushered off to a Wilmington Old Folks Home and we get President Chlamydia Harris, they could be unbelievably bad.

                This is why I’m upset at Trump.  It didn’t have to be this way.

                Now, we’re faced with the prospect of Donald Trump running in 2024.  This may work.  This may not.  Who knows?  I didn’t give him a prayer of securing the nomination in 2016, either.  I was wrong.

                In fact, Trump wasn’t even “my guy” in the primaries.  I held Cruz, Rubio, and Carson ahead of him.  I supported him above Chris Christie, though, despite the Zoftig Guv’s promise of a “Doughnut In Every Pot.”

                I vividly recall the debates I had with those friends who were Trump folks.   All good people, they made good arguments, but I thought they were wrong.  I even compared Trump to the Mussolini who wanted a new Roman Empire. I thought it sounded a lot like “Make America Great Again”.

                At least one friend agreed with me.  In other words, I wasn’t the only one.
    

            When “The Donald” ultimately got the nomination, I was surprised.  However, the competition was either evil (Hillary) or batshit crazy (hello, Bernie).  So, yeah, not much of a choice there.

                I was gladdened when Trump did a lot of good things.  I was troubled by his bombastic approach to a lot of things, though.  Still, I felt pride in my country.  Much more so than during the apology tour and the hillbilly laughingstock of the Cigar Olympics.

                “W” was no prize, but neither was he the boobs that his predecessor and successors had been.

                I understood, but did not agree with, accusations of Trump being a bully.

                My feelings that Trump did not have partisans so much as “fans” only grew as the election approached.  Miles of trucks clogging the interstate or huge boat shows only intensified these feelings.  No violence, to be sure (like election fraud, I’m not convinced there’s not something fishy about January 6th, either), but this fervor surpassed that for Elvis.

                Then, when I witnessed his performance at CPAC (really not a bad speech) capped off by a gold statue of him, I really began to worry.

                Please let it be Cruz, DeSantis, Noem, Owens, or even McCarthy.  Have Trump endorse those candidates.  Now that would harness true presidential power, backed by millions of supporters and fans, in a fight that would be well fought.

                Unfortunately, I think this is personal to Trump.  So, to hope that he would concede the spotlight to anyone else may be a hope in vain.

                No matter how good his policies or kept promises are, there are those will NOT see past Orange Man Bad.  If the Chinese Flu has taught us anything is that common sense, critical thinking, and logic are as common as honor in the House of Representatives.

                If he runs for President again, I may find myself in the very same spot with my friends for the 2023-24 primaries as I found myself in 2015-16.  I love you guys, but that’s how it may go.  If he gets the nomination, I of course will join your support for him. 

                Even though we may see President Trump back in the White House in January, 2025, I’ll probably be a little uneasy throughout the campaign.

                And I can’t be the only one.

I thought that statue looked oddly familiar.

Foto Funnies XXII

“Hey, you know, maybe we should have something about six year olds not being allowed to chop their penises off.”
“Oh, come ON, Ben! Look, I know you’re from Pennsylvania, but nobody could possibly be that crazy.”

Open Wide

    

     I’ve been retired a little over six months.  Actually, like “second breakfast” from Lord of the Rings (a practice I wholeheartedly endorse), this is really my second retirement (which, to be honest, has nothing to do with breakfast.  I just wanted to mention breakfast.  Because bacon and eggs.).  I retired from active duty in the Navy sixteen years ago. 

“Mmmmmmmmmm…………………bacon…………”

     Shockingly, once I left the service, I realized that I couldn’t sit on my ass for the rest of my life.  Hey, my military retirement isn’t bad; it just wasn’t enough to keep me clothed and fed.  “Clothed” to the relief of others.  And “fed,” which, once again, is a practice I wholeheartedly endorse.

     So, I ventured back into the workforce.  I started as a substitute teacher.  Then, after I scraped spitballs from my back, I became a Teacher’s Assistant.  That was a pretty nice gig, but unfortunately, after two years I suffered a small reduction in available hours (translation: complete reduction).  So, I became a high school custodian (aka “Environmental Services Associate”) and remained so for the six years before my second breakfast retirement.

     So now, I spend most of my time writing hideous little pieces like this (thank you, faithful three readers), writing a hideous set of memoirs (which are sure to sell in the teens.  To blind people), complaining about [insert old man beef here], volunteering as a Meals On Wheels driver, and taking care of my spiritual, medical, and dental well-being.

     I mean, after all, if it hasn’t happened already, I’m sure I’m approaching the expiration of my body’s warranty.  Come to think of it, to whom would I complain about that warranty?  I think I’ve been had.  I knew I shouldn’t have answered that phone call to extend my body’s warranty.

     Let’s put it this way, if life was a game of golf (it’s not), I’d be teeing off on the 17th Hole.  And the 18th Hole is a Par 3.  If you don’t play golf (Scottish for “Shit”), then you probably wouldn’t get that metaphor.  Trust me, though, it’s pretty clever.

     Yes, in an effort to forestall the ravages of Father Time (who’s a real mother), it’s in my best interest to take better care of my body.  So far, so good.  While I may not be able to donate it to Science, I certainly don’t want to donate it to Science Fiction.

     Sadly, though, gone are the days when I thought a well-balanced meal was a double-beef Whopper with cheese and extra mayo, a daily bowl of Raisin Bran was only for my dad, and getting up at dawn was for the Amish.

“Seriously, why TF do we do that?”

     Now, from the precarious vantage point of late middle age (frankly, I’d only be middle-aged if I was going to live until I was 124.  Like Stevie Wonder, though, I can’t see it), one beer makes me sleepy, hot dogs give me gas, and I actually read nutrition labels…with bifocals.

     Plus, doggone it, that Wilfred Brimley really makes sense.

     NOTE:  Much to my writer’s chagrin, Wilfred passed away last summer.  Well, the joke stays.  Comedy must go on!

     Therefore, to achieve my goal of hanging in there as long as Larry King (without that whole mummified look), I keep regular appointments with my doctor and dentist.

     NOTE:  Larry King has also recently passed.  Damn!  That’s what I get for delaying this post.  I should have said Alex Trebe….oh, son of a ….!

     I could go on and on about visits to my doctor (whose face I haven’t seen due to his mask.  For all I all know, he could be an Environmental Services Associate in a lab coat), but I thought I’d start off with something a little less invasive (guys, you know what I mean.  Ladies?  Shut up.  We get it.).

“Just try to relax. This won’t hurt me a bit.”

     Still, visiting the “Rinse and Spit” club is a chore.  I most assuredly do not enjoy latex-clad fingers in my mouth (if you do, I won’t judge).  But, as four out of five dentists will tell you, “It’s your responsibility to take care of yourself as long as possible so you can become a burden to your grandchildren.”

     That said, a visit to the dentist, while beneficial to both my dental health and his ability to take vacations to the Caribbean, is not without its discomforts.

     Take cleaning.  Doesn’t it strike you as odd that metal is used to clean our teeth?  Now, I wouldn’t advocate using gummi bears to shine my enamel, but using a screwdriver to scrape my molars doesn’t seem right, either.

     Once my teeth have been violated, it’s time for a good polishing.  Dipping a Dremel-like device into a cleaner-I swear it’s Comet-the dental tech proceeds to spit-shine (an unfortunate phrase, I know) my pearly whites until they’re, well…pearly white.

     I don’t know about you, but the combination of the little drill’s high-pitched whir with the cleanser’s grit does not a “fun” experience make.  Unless you dig that sort of thing (once again, I will not judge).

     After that, I’m treated to a courtesy flossing by a tech with knuckle hair and gorilla fingers (who, thankfully, is not my doctor.  Amirite, fellas?).  This delightful sojourn into “eww” is only enhanced by a stern scolding while trying to pass clothesline between my ravaged teeth.     

     I swear, the next time I’ll wear a sign around my neck that says, “Yeah, I know.  Floss.”

     The funny thing about this is the insane insistence on maintaining a running conversation.  Just talking to me is okay, I suppose.  Just don’t ask any questions which require an actual response.  At the very least, it makes me look stupid when I grunt an answer.  At worst, I start choking on my own spit when asked my opinion on North Korea or whether Baby Yoda is cuter than Baby Groot.

     Things have gotten better since I first visiting the dentist, though.  Largely gone are the days when we rinsed our mouths in those little sinks found only in dentists’ offices.  Instead, we now have nifty vacuum dealies, which, when placed in our mouths, remove unwanted dental by-products…and prevent us from drowning in the chair. 

     Although, I can’t shake this fear of having my tongue sucked right out of my head. 

     Anything more complicated than cleaning has its own “features”, too.  It’s then when the industrial-strength tools (“New from Ronco, the people who gave you the ‘Do-It-Yourself Colonoscopy’!”-seriously, there really is such a thing) are trotted out.

     We yearn for the tranquility of cleaning as the dentist administers painkiller with a dull No. 2 pencil before it’s time to drill a tooth, fill a cavity with molten metal, or peel away our gums in pursuit of the evildoer “plaque-the germ which causes gingivitis.”

     And, I think you’ll all acknowledge the terror inspired by three little words:  “Impacted Wisdom Teeth.”

     Luckily, I’ve not been blessed with the joy of erupted wisdom teeth.  Due to a genetic quirk in my make-up, those little buggers have remained so far up in my mouth they’ll never make an appearance.  They’re a lot like the Cleveland Browns at the Super Bowl that way.

     On the downside, I’ve had some cavities.  I’ve more metal in my mouth than a refugee from “I, Robot” thanks, in large part, to a childhood filled with the likes of “Sugar Pops”, “Sugar Smacks”, and “Super Sugar Crisp.”

     Granted, cavities and tooth decay have obvious drawbacks.  But, there’s something to be said for all my shiny fillings.  Not only can they tune in my favorite radio stations, they’ve pretty much exhausted the number of places where a cavity can actually take hold.

     Of course, a rigorous program of conscientious dental hygiene probably would’ve done the trick just as well.

     As much as I like to complain (and I do), you can’t beat the care I’ve received.  Not only do I not have to place my teeth in a jar at night, I’m free from the ill effects of gum disease, tooth pain, and discoloration.  To say nothing of halitosis.  I hope.

     So, the next time you dread going to the dentist, remember the alternatives.  By ignoring your teeth, not only will you end up looking like the Royal Family, you may also condemn yourself to eating foods no harder than tapioca and sporting gums which recede to your eyeballs.

“We are not amused. Please note that I’m keeping my mouth closed.”

     Oh, and while you’re at it, remember to floss, willya?

    

    

Crazy and Batshit Crazy

                Today is the 79th anniversary of Executive Order 9066.  I know, I forgot to pick up something at Hallmark’s, too.

                For those who do not know what Executive Order 9066 is, don’t feel too badly.  I didn’t know what it was either until I did a little digging.  You see, I’m willing to do a little research so you three readers don’t have to.    I will say this, though, once I start talking about it, you’ll recognize it as one of the most shameful episodes in American history, this side of anything Clinton.

                EO 9066 was issued on February 19, 1942 by Savior President Franklin D. Roosevelt in the aftermath of the attack on Pearl Harbor (incidentally, I’m not convinced the administration didn’t know the attack was coming.  Surprised by the severity, yes.  But, not the event.  Another story for another day).  It directed all persons on the West Coast (and Hawaii) of Japanese descent to relocate to internment camps.  No sense taking a chance with those people, you know.  Never mind that there were thousands, if not millions, of Americans with German and Italian heritage throughout the nation.  They look like us, so shut up.  Hater.

                The Japanese were strange-looking, after all, and must be kept where real Americans could keep an eye on them.

                This was challenged in the Supreme Court by a man who refused to leave the exclusion zone, Fred Korematsu.  He maintained that the decision by the dictator president was racially motivated and thus, unconstitutional.

                Tragically for Mr. Korematsu, Associate Justice Hugo Black wrote the majority opinion that the needs of the country outweighed the needs of a small minority.  Safety must take precedence over freedom.  Sound familiar?

                So, the end result was that 120,000 people cooled their heels in concentration camps for the duration, 62% OF WHOM WERE AMERICAN CITIZENS.

                If this does not give the lie to the fact that the Supreme Court is infallible, nothing will.  Unless you’re talking about Dred Scott or Plessy vs. Ferguson.

                What is amazing to me is that some people, while acknowledging that this indeed was systemic racism, refuse to hold the Democratic Party responsible.  If the Korematsu affair was an isolated travesty, I could maybe understand it (yeah, no, I couldn’t).  Sadly, it continues to this day.  From the Ted Kennedy Underwater Driving School to “you ain’t black,” I am positively flummoxed that the Dems have any adherents at all.

                A perfect example of this is the actor and noted crazy person, George Takei (you may know him as Mr. Sulu from Star Trek or The Green Berets).  His entire family was scooped up and held prisoner for years.  Yet, Mr. “Oh My!” continues to laud the Democratic Party and worship his god, FDR.

                This is what’s called “batshit crazy.”

                There will always be run-of-the-mill crazy, to be sure.  And it’s not the sole province of the Left, either; some in the Right are positively nuts, as well.  Likewise, some Conservatives are also batshit crazy.

                It’s just that more jackasses than elephants consider themselves “progressive,” while being nothing of the sort.  Unless they’re misspelling “totalitarian.”  Could be.  A lot of them aren’t terribly smart.

                Examples of this abound. I don’t have enough time or skin on my typing fingers to list them all.

                Let’s just concentrate on one modern-day example, the Religion of Transgenderism.  Now, look, if you want to lop off or add a particular body part, that’s your business.  I don’t care.  Just don’t expect me to pay for it.  Or even consider that what you’re doing is the pinnacle of mental health. 

                Because, sorry Caitlyn, it ain’t.

                But, still, whatever.

                Where this whole movement strays into “batshit crazy” territory are biological males barging into  women’s athletics.  Professing they have a right to be who they think they are, these gorillas with bumpy chests are competing with genuine females.  The result is that a lot (if not most) of them are dominating their competition via bigger body mass and increased strength.

                Where are the feminists here?  How in the world can they do nothing while women’s sports are being rendered into irrelevancy?  Oh, I know.  Because that’s the agenda of the Left.  And like with Korematsu, that’s okay.

                Golf?  Okay.  Sailing?  Sure.  Bowling?  Is that a sport?  Billiards?  Oh, come on, now you’re being silly.

                But, track, wrestling, field hockey, and mixed martial arts fighting?  Are you batshit crazy?

                Thank goodness the disease hasn’t infected professional baseball, football, basketball, and hockey.  Yet.  Because it’s about money.  But, don’t hold your breath.  I wouldn’t put it past those knuckleheads.

                Recently, a transgender MMA athlete, Fallon Fox, broke the skull of her/his/its opponent.  Rather than being horrified that this altered specimen beat up on a woman (who, let’s be fair, could probably beat the crap out of me), there are more than a few who think that he/she/it is, in the words of blogger Cyd Zeigler, the “bravest athlete in American history.”

                Okay, I’m an old guy.  I was brought up that it was never okay for a man to beat up a girl.  Even if it was Whoopi Goldberg (she’s a girl, right?).  Nowadays, some people seem to be okay with it in the name of “progress.”

                Well, I’m not okay with it.  That there are some who think what Fox did is the epitome of bravery (who ARE you people?) makes me realize that, despite Idiot Joe’s call for “unity,” there is just no talking to some people.  They are irrevocably lost.

                I just want my check because I want to get off the world.

                Not before I buy a Korematsu Sympathy Card, though.

                George Takei won’t be getting one.

Foto Funnies XIX

To assist drivers having difficulty locating their vehicles in crowded parking lots, General Motors announces that the “Happy Asian Pop Up Device” will be standard equipment on all 2022 GM Sedans.

The New York Jets of Impeachment*

“He incited an insurrection and he writes mean tweets!”

                Was there any doubt as to how this ridiculous sham of an impeachment trial would go?  Did ANYone (with a brain) actually think Donald Trump would be convicted and thus barred from seeking further office?  Will Richard Nixon’s corpse be exhumed so that Nancy Pelosi can parade it before the House for high crimes, misdemeanors, and halitosis?
 

               Ludicrous?  Of course, but that hasn’t stopped the Speaker of the House before.  After all, she desperately wanted to improve on her 0-1 record when it came to obtaining a conviction of a president.  Never mind that he is no longer in office.

SPOILER: She didn’t.

                So now that three presidents have been impeached four times, where does that leave us?  First, there have been four impeachments.  I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve read breathlessly ignorant and outraged, “Donald Trump needs to be impeached now!”
   

             After he was impeached.  Twice.  Seriously, I got tired of having to explain how this whole process worked to numbskulls.  I’ll freely admit that there are, more than likely, conservative numbskulls.  A lot fewer, but I’m sure there are.

                Second, have any of the impeachments not been purely political affairs? 

                The closest would be that of Andrew Johnson in 1868, who missed being convicted and tossed by only one vote.  A case could be made (and was) that he deserved to be thrown out of office for his highhanded management of Reconstruction and Cabinet appointments.  Even so, I suspect that partisanship played a huge role.  Johnson, even though Lincoln’s vice-president, was a Democrat Southerner.  The Congress was Republican.

                Clinton?  Well, even though I heartily enjoyed the Boner-in-Chief being held to count for lying to Congress, I can see (not agree with) the other side’s point.  If you seriously think impeachment or the trial weren’t political affairs. consider that the House was in Republican hands.  The Senate, even though the Democrats were in the minority, couldn’t muster up the 67 votes necessary to send Bubba packing to Arkansas.  Add to that, every single Democrat voted for acquittal, aided by five Republicans (there’s a shocker), and you have Bill emerging unscathed, nay the recipient of increased popularity.

                Does anyone think he would have been impeached if the House of Representatives was controlled by Democrats?  Bitch, please.

                As far as the impeachments of Donald Trump?  Yes, these were purely in defense of the nation’s interests.  And, if you buy that…

                Questions of constitutionality aside, there was no doubt that this ridiculous waste of time and money was an an unhinged quest for revenge by the Vampire of the House and Snow Miser of the Senate.  By the way, if you think Chuckie doesn’t resemble the character from The Year Without a Santa Claus, please let Google be your friend.  Why Drunk Vampira thought this charade had a prayer of getting the two thirds necessary for conviction, even with quislings from the GOP and even though the Senate is now run by Leftists, is beyond me.

                What motivates this kind of deranged logic?  Surely it can’t be to bring the nation together?  This further polarizes Americans.  Kinda makes a laughingstock of the Idiot-in-Chief’s ridiculous “unity” bullshit, doesn’t it?

                Then again, Pelosi pulled this crap last year. as well.  I was amazed that she did so.  That she doubled down this year is even more baffling.

                I dearly hope the motivations aren’t nefarious.  I sincerely do.  Sadly, nothing much, especially lately, has convinced me otherwise.

                Mostly because I probably don’t have a life, I paid attention to some of the proceedings.  I didn’t watch it on television, mind you.  I didn’t want to risk being enraged to the point of throwing a shoe at it.  After all, I’m not the Iraqi Parliament. But, I did read recaps of what went on.

                Initially, I was dismayed over the performance of that moron, Bruce Castor, allegedly assigned to defend Trump (with friends like this…).  I was worried that his rambling incoherence would cause most Senators to think that maybe Orange Man really was bad.

                Then, I calmed down.  I realized that, no matter what he said or how he said it, Republican senators would by and large support the former president.  Even though unbelievable fools such as the butthurt Mitt Romney weren’t in Trump’s camp, the fix was in.

                Incidentally, Mittens was savaged by leftist media when he dared run against Slappy the Savior from Hawaii, Kenya, Illinois.  Blessings be upon him.  I guess he’s gotten over it. Trump writes mean things, you know.

                Jesus Christ himself could have come down for the prosecution and folks such as Ted Cruz would never convict.

                Then, on Friday, I listened to Sean Hannity laud the masterful performance by the team for the ex-president.  They had eaten the lunch of impeachment managers, he claimed.  “Let not your heart be troubled,” he consoled us.

                Then, on Saturday, the Senate voted for witnesses.  Before they didn’t.  I didn’t care, because no one would be swayed.  Democrat Senators would do what Snow Miser directed.  Republican senators, with a few exceptions, would follow their brains.

                Partisanship, not objectivity, would rule the day.

                But, it didn’t matter.  There was no way the Clown Show would come up with the two-thirds necessary to convict.  It didn’t matter what you thought of Trump, he would be acquitted.   Luckily, the Senate voted on Saturday.  The nation would be spared further angst-ridden knees-bent running about. 

                FULL DISCLOSURE:  I was happy with the outcome.  But, no frikkin’ way was I surprised.

                Huzzah!  The mature, reasoned statesman (and women) of Congress would now be free to carry on the nation’s business.

                Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

                The New York Jets have a better chance of winning the Super Bowl.

*While I’d love to take credit for this, this belongs to Steven Crowder in his post, (and I paraphrase), “Nancy Pelosi is the Pelosiest of Them All.”

Happy Presidents Day!

“Okay, he was after my time, but was Buchanan really that bad?”
“You do know I’m called Honest Abe, right?”

WARNING: The following contains some truths, half-truths, and outlandish flights of conjecture.  You are therefore urged to not quote any of the below for scholarly research.  On the other hand, your school is probably closed because of the Chinese Flu.  So, this may be the best you’re gonna get.  Yeah, that kinda blows.

     NOTE:  Yes, Presidents Day isn’t for another five days, but I’ll be out of town that day.  A North Carolina Christmas Shop is having a 50% off sale and I need to get another skeleton for my collection.  What do Christmas and Halloween have to do with each other, you may ask?  Just shut up and read.

     Until fairly recently there was no such thing as “Presidents” Day.  Rather, we celebrated “Lincoln’s Birthday” on February 12th and “Washington’s Birthday” on February 22nd.  What’s more, those days were one shot deals, instead of the three-day extravaganzas we now observe. 

     I remember feeling gypped whenever they fell on the weekend.  So, schoolchildren across the fruited plain were thrilled when the feds decided to ignore history (a pretty common thing nowadays) and insisted that George and Abe were born on Mondays.  Screw ‘em, I guess they figured.  They’re dead anyway.

     Like I said, though, we now have Presidents Day instead of two separate holidays.  Created to make room for the Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday holiday (no sense giving mailmen too many days off), Presidents Day was meant to commemorate both our 1st and our 16th presidents.  And sales on cars, sheets, and living room furniture.

     So as not to offend either the Washington or Lincoln Fan Clubs (suffice to say, you don’t want to get them together in the same room), Presidents Day was set in the middle of their birthdays.  Or the third Monday in February.  Or whichever made for the better three-day weekend.

     Like Thanksgiving, this makes it pretty easy to plan for, as a quick inspection of a calendar would quickly identify when it was.  This is in stark contrast to Easter, which I know is on a Sunday.  Other than that, I have no idea from year to year when it will happen.  Something to do with the lunar cycle and first day of spring.  During leap year.  When Jupiter aligns with Mars.  And the Pope consults his Magic 8-Ball.  Or something like that.

     You used to be able to count on whenever The Ten Commandments aired on ABC.  No more, unfortunately.  Just as well.  All the preaching in that movie got on my nerves.  Plus, did anyone really buy Edward G. Robinson as an ancient Egyptian? 

Eventually, Presidents Day transformed to a celebration of all the nation’s chief executives, even the sucky ones.  Like Buchanan.

     Don’t know who James Buchanan was?  Well, he was a president.  A sucky one.  Google him, if you like.  But trust me.  He sucked.

“Hater.”

     As the concept of Presidents Day caught on, my family tried to come up with a dignified way to recognize the men who guided our nation’s ship of state.

     I have to admit, it was pretty difficult to get all jazzed up for a holiday sandwiched between the saccharine-sweet chocolate debauchery of Valentines Day and the inebriated bacchanalian debauchery of St. Patrick’s Day.   

     We finally decided on a “Dress as Your Favorite President Day.”  That way, we could most suitably honor who it was we most admired as the leader of our country.  And, even though my powdered wig and breeches got a lot of stares at Sears, I felt it was the patriotic thing to do. 

     This practice worked quite well for a number of years.  That is until my brother, dressed as Bill Clinton, got arrested for loitering around a Nursing School.

     To avoid possible litigation, we then decided to pick a president who was not so well-known.  I mean, how likely would it be that a descendant of Martin Van Buren would call us before Judge Judy for saying their great-great-great-great-grandfather’s head looked like a beachball with feathers?  Not terribly likely.

     It really did, though, when you take a good look at it.  Google him when you’re done with Buchanan.

     To be sure, there are plenty of obscure stiffs from which to choose, guys who could be genuine stumpers in Trivial Pursuit.  In fact, were it not for their bosses catching cold at inauguration, having one heck of a tummy ache, being assassinated, dropping dead from a stroke, or resigning, we probably would never have heard of Tyler, Fillmore, Andrew Johnson, Coolidge, or Ford.

     Bad enough we had Jimmy Carter.

     I remember the year I chose an unknown president who was yuge in the Republican Party.  A man who put the needs of his fellow citizens before his own.  A man whose hard work paid off handsomely.  A man who had the fortune of being Vice-President when James Garfield was assassinated in 1881:  Chester Alan Arthur, 21st President of the United States.

     Known primarily for his facial hair and uncanny ability to remain innocuous, Arthur was the Commander-in-Chief during the Gunfight at the OK Corral when Kurt Russell, starring as Wyatt Earp, defeated the Clanton gang with the help of his brothers, Val Kilmer, and a killer moustache.

     Arthur became president the year Alexander Graham Bell perfected the first metal detector.  This was a step up for the beleaguered Bell, whose previous attempts tried to locate the bullet lodged in Garfield’s (the president, not the cat) body.

     To give you an idea how well that worked out, Chester Arthur and his whiskers became president.

     President Arthur was especially opposed to the Spoils System.  This was even after he was informed by his cabinet that it had nothing to do with milk being left out overnight.

     A champion of Civil Service reform, because he wanted to avoid “another Civil War” at all costs, Arthur is regarded as the “Father of the Civil Service and Union-Mandated Ten Minute Coffee Break.”

     Not content with remaining somnambulant on the domestic front, he furthered his nation’s foreign policy outreach, also known as “talking to fuzzy-cheeked foreigners who smelled like cabbage.”  During his administration, the United States established formal diplomatic relations with Korea (thus discovering Ping Pong), organized the Alaskan territory (it was a mess), and continued the process by which land was stolen from Native-Americans and millions of buffalo were slaughtered by drunks hanging from the windows of passing trains.

     Shockingly, he was denied nomination of his party for the presidential election of 1884.  Evidently, party bigwigs weren’t terribly impressed with neither his record nor his campaign slogan of “Wait Until You Get a Load of Joe Biden.”

     Instead, they gave the nomination to someone whose name escapes me, but, honestly, who cares?  Whoever he was, he was defeated by the Democrat candidate for the presidency.

    Yes, Grover Cleveland became the 22nd President of the United States primarily on the strength of HIS slogan: “I May Be Fat as a House, But I Ain’t No Chester Arthur.”

    Hmm, maybe next year I’ll choose Benjamin Harrison.

“So, on Presidents Day, go out and get yourself a nice set of sheets or a new car. Just make sure you do it peacefully and patriotically so those pains in the ass in Congress get off my case.”

Foto Funnies XVIII

American Risk Takers: 1840
“Okay, so we may starve, get massacred by Indians, or freeze to death in a blizzard, but it’s worth it. Just think of all the land that just waits for the taking!”
American Risk Takers: 2021
“YOU’D BETTER GET SIX FEET AWAY FROM ME! I SAW THE KOMBUCHA FIRST! RACIST!”